The Memory of Love
by Rowe1
Summary: It takes death to understand


The Memory of Love.

By Rowe

_Beta-ed by the fabulous Rooney Bird_

There's no grass to cover the soil. The barren wasteland that was our home for so many years still cannot sustain such a precious gift. Though the years have made it more hospitable, the scorched earth remains toxic to most life but us of Manticore bred genes. Bending down I gently place the daisy I have found, peeking through a nearby wall, on the ground under which he is entombed. No stone marks his burial place but I know this is where he lies, finally at peace. After such a short lifetime filled with pain and suffering, it seemed almost a relief for him to have finally escaped the torture and despair.

The final days, when the pain he was suffering had been overwhelming, I could not bear to leave his side. He'd hated me seeing him like that, for he knew I will, most likely, eventually suffer the same fate. This had been a condition he was born to suffer from. His death was like so many others in our community. A tragedy, but an inescapable one, predetermined by the source of his birth. A weakness inherent in our enhanced genes- whether it was deliberately created or a tragic by-product of the twiddling done in the lab- it killed all too soon. Eating away at the body- degrading it until pain was all that was left. Death was a blessing not a curse. A place of peace after all the torment of life.

After he died I spent days kneeling here talking to him. Needing him to understand how much I loved him. There was never enough time, never enough opportunities...and now it is all too late. I don't sob anymore. My body has gotten past that and now I stand in stiff silence. The pain is almost physical- I feel shattered into little pieces that don't seem to fit together anymore.

Joshua approaches me softly. The big canine looks like he might outlast us all. The sadness that he feels is constantly written on his face these days as he stands by unable to stop his friends from falling. He wraps his long arms around me and pulls me gently back against his chest. For so long now I have been his treasured one.

"L'il, L'il Fella- you know he loved you don't you?" He hugs me tighter. "Don't you?" 

My heart beat falters. I am sure he can sense my mood, it is just something his genes enable him to perform. I know he can feel me stiffening in his arms. Had he guessed my greatest fear? I can't get a word out past the lump now firmly in my throat. 

"You were his reason for living, remember that." As he releases me to leave me alone again at the grave, Joshua places a gentle kiss on my dark hair. "Always remember that."

Actually in truth it is something I can't forget. It took me a lifetime to realise. For so long I was twisted with emotions of misguided beliefs. I was jealous of a ghost. Envying the love he held for a memory. Sometimes I would catch him watching me, the love mingled with regret written on his face. He regretted not being able to share his life with her. Her resemblance to me was in colouring alone, other than that we were nothing alike. That was what I kept telling myself. I am not a replacement.

She has her place beside him in the end, she will keep him company. They will once again be reunited and maybe this time they will have the chance to experience the love that they really never got to share. I once thought of her as competition for his affections, but as time passed I know he saw only me. Her memory had always felt like a barrier that was erected between us; one that encased his heart as he tried to prevent the pain for overwhelming him again. I had been wrong. He had loved me with all of his heart, he was just afraid to let me know it.

Fear had always been a factor in his love of me. He feared for my safety, feared that he would lose me. He feared history would repeat itself, this was his greatest stumbling block. I feared that I could never be what he expected of me. I was stupid...for he expected nothing more of me than myself. Fear put up barriers, created defences, that needn't have stood in our way. He needed to be able to send his people out into the field without the fear of my being harmed hanging over his head. I swear that he clung to life, pushing through those last days of pain because he didn't want me left alone. He was a hero till the end. Well that was what he had always been to me. I saw through his cheeky facade to the real hero inside. 

Today I stand-alone and mourn in silent understanding at his resting place. Tomorrow we move on, in search of the new world we had always promised each other we would reach someday. Now there are not many of us left, really only those born post-Manticore- their inner time bombs ticking away but not yet ready to explode. In the end was it all for nought? These graveside confessions are turning into a habit, one that frightens my friends. Still I have kept coming. I know that it is time to let go...not of him but of who I once was, but that takes a leap of faith...in myself. 

Now I am needed to lead- for that was always my destiny. I must lead my people away from here without the cornerstone of my life. I may have been his Phoenix, but he will always remain my guiding light. I can rest easy though for now my mother will be there to hold him safe. For now I must move on but with the knowledge I will finally join them both when my time also runs out- prematurely and far too soon.


End file.
